the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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