allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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