All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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