Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
