If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
