I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
