I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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