did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
