I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
