Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
