On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
