Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
