I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
