Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
