also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
