one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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