Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
