she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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