Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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