You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
