i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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