In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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