o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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