If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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