i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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