Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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