She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
