took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
