On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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