Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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