someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
