just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
