the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
