oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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