A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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