I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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