Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
