Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
