who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
