His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
