A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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