found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize