and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
last night I used snow as a chaser
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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