we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
