I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
