i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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