Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
sarcasm needs its own font
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
