Will you blow on my dice?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
