So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
