I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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