u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
