Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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