i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
