I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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