My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
