as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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