How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
